You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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