i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
