You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
