so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
