i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
