Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
