She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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