she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
