Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I did not marry a roomba.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
