Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
