Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
