sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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