You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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