i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
