last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
