You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
