Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
