For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
