I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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