Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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