well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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