I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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