We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
