Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
