Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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