It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
