I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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