Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
