I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
