It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
