I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
