The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
