I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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