He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
