You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
