last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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