i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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