life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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