That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
