Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
