and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
