thus making me awesome and them whores
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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