I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
