I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
