I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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