Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
