he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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