i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I deserve this hangover.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
