dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
