I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
