A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
