Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
