Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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