if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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