I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
