Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
