walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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